cuz .........i lack productiveness

yeh todays sunday
and im sitting here in the dine table
after my cereal

i was going to be productive for the past 2 days
and i just couldnt because i had to do some youtubing
and blogging and naver-ing and stuff....

i can make up a hundred different excuses for it
but i guess its all lame. im always so- time consuming
i lackkkk productiveness i never stay true to what i plan to do

this is like my main problem i dont prioritise stuff
like even though i didnt have anything on saturday
i didnt bother to do my english essay and some catch up on music composition
wtf yeah i hate myself im so NOT efficient

now how am i going cope in IByears? i need to get 45/45 well that my hope cuz i want to do whatever i want to do
apparently only 0.01% of IB-ians achieve 45 but its nice to have a big dream
cuz a lot of people say 'oh that wasnt as hard as i thought' afterall...

but i hate just aiming to be the top
i mean...whats the point? i aim for the future not to
like beat everyone and be proud of myself
im not like those korean kids who try so hard to be recognised
to earn reputation?? amongst their age group and parents

i try to stay cool even though 'asian= not cool'
but i'm at least cool enough to ignore that ...
not going to be a chav!!
...but some people might think i am.

oh and lllloooook at this

this is what i found on the net couple of hours ago
its the result of this poll thing with the topic 'the most regretful thing in my life'
and surprisingly from teens to 50s (women) majority of them answered
'i shouldve studied more'...

and wow am i going to think like that when i grow up??
nooooo im not going to regret myself and mourn
not to be defiled at the first place im going to study while i can
dont want to be like someone who always cherish their past
and like cry because they want to go back

im going to stand up strong for myself
so starting from now

im going to do my english essay.
ciao :-)


알수없는 너의 이야기

센티멘탈 해지는 밤에, 나는 요상한 글을 쓰곤한다
어제 썼던 글을 오늘 보고나니 웃기다.
도데체 사랑도 못해본 애가 남을 사랑할 줄도 모르는 애가
들은 건 있어서 사랑 이야기를 쓰는지.
모르겠다...... 걍 쓰잘데기 없는 단어들만 주어듣고 썼나보다

알수없는 너의 이야기

붉은 비가 내리고 촉촉히 날 감싸주는게

영 기분이 나쁘지도 않았다 난 들떠서 자꾸만 나가자고 재촉했고

넌 웃으며 차분하게 주문을 걸어 나를 다시 나락으로 인도했다

우리는 바다를 걷고 하늘을 가로지르고 또 지도도 없이 세상을 돌았다

세상은 돌았다고 너는 내게 말했고

나는 이 황홀함에 취해 고개를 끄덕였지만

사실 무슨 말을 했는지 알지 못했다

너는 웃고 또 머리를 쓰다듬어 줬다

그리곤 마치 내가 기억을 못 할거라고 생각했는지

그대로 이상한 말을 했다

네가 그리울거라고


나에게 작별인사 하나 없이 공기중으로 사라져 버렸다

붉은 비는 그쳐버렸다

난 아직도 네가 보고싶어 밤 마다 울고 있다

잠을 자도 항상 깨어나기도 전에 네가 눈 앞에 아른거린다

어제 붉은 비가 다시 내렸다

내 목소리가 쉬어버리고

난 아직도 본 적 없는 네 얼굴을 상상속에 그리며 매달렸다

나에게 사랑해라고는 말한 적 없는

말하지 못한 네게

소리지르듯 다그쳤다

나는 너를.

이제 난 너를 탓하고 붉은 비를 회상하며 마취를 하지만

존재하지 않을 수도 있는 너를 아직도 그리워한다

하지만 대부분 무서워서

붉은비가 내릴 때

난 붉은 비에 색소를 타고 우산을 핀다


속수무책으로 내리는 비는 우산으로 다 피할 수 없는 마련

피부속에 스며든 파란 비는 수분공급으로 변한다

눈물은 다시 붉은 빛으로.

내 눈은 네 그리움을 담고있다

내 소원을 베고 있다

넘쳐 흐를때 나는 조용히 그릇에 담아

너를 보고있다 네 마음을 흐르듯 느끼면서 마시면서

몸안속 깊이 채우면서 한 존재가 되어


cuz all a sudden I want to introduce myself

So! The school life is quite exciting
Not. it used to be like at least
proffessional in a way cuz I really
concerntrated in class but like now?

I'm just over it and I want to quit school
not that I'm failing anything I'm actually
doing well in all my subjects

I top in French ab initio and psych
and good as usual in maths science

i'm one of those lucky people who
just naturally do good compared to
How much effort I put in :-)

I don't study much in fact I spend
a lot of time eating mainly talking
Yess I'm a chatty person when around
people that I know really well
but I'm not that optimistic at all
I suffer deeply with depression....

for past of my life I've been trying
soooooo hard to be what Korean people
call 'the one' and I dreamt things that
is apparently NOT me.

my parents say that I'm smart
but I never actually enjoyed studying
cuz it's not part of my life
and I don't give a crap of it

so yeah I feel so gay
cuz I'm nothing special than others

I'm just who's among others
cool? no... QAHS isn't cool

LOL at my identity.


cuz of this lovely feeling and a bit of korean talk

-this picture might be a bit random but i think it goes absolutely great with the topic that i am going to talk about right now. up to individuals and how they interpret it. anyway. enjoy.-

i was going through my storage cabinet thing
and it was pretty interesting because i found this card
that i got from my friends in A.B Paterson College

it was like a farewell card that they gave me
just before my last day of school? :-) ahh... Jess and Steph...
my asian buddies!!
they were really nice to me and we had LOTS of fun

we were always like 'yep asian rules!!' even though
they weren't like...asian asian like me.... you know...
who you call 'asian' by their physical appearance however, not mentally??
anyway we always talked about how thai rules
(i love thai food! <3<3<3)btw Jess is thai.

had SOOOOOOOO much fun. these guys rock the world! kkk
well yeah they were really upset when i told them that i'm leaving
especially to a freshly built collaborated school that apparently only nerds go.
and yet Jess was quite smart as well! YEHHH asian!!..not as hard core as me though

anyway... the card... absolutely touchy.... they wrote really nice
words about me... said that they'll miss me so much
and how they love me (soooo nice to feel loved)
they said that i'm one of the most prettiest person they ever met
and how i'm cool and cute....arghh very nice...not sure of the cute part. but.

these girls were amazing... like they totally shifted my perception of views
before i never used to care about friends. i was never good with
relationships at the first place.

i got hurt a lot when i was around with koreans because they're all like
mean....very self-centred and always backstabbing...jealous..and stuff
they always follow me and pretend that they're sooo cool
act sooo jjijil-e? like.. CHAV!! have this massive prejudice
especially the DEATH STARES!!! friken creeps the hell out of me.

sometimes koreans can be really nice. more because they are korean.
because they speak the same language??
but as you get to know them from inside out?
very likely to be revealed as NOT SO GOOD.

i think its because they live in an absolute intense competitive society
where they have to eat each other up in order to survive

so im kinda lucky to be here i guessand because i know how
western people think..because i can easily compare how
koreans and australians are.
and i try to be centred in the middle..

not too australian because they're slow
not too korean because they're cunning

ahhhh.. so many thoughts rushing through my head.

just sleep. lets sleep.



그냥 죽을 것만 같이 나를 감싸오는 고독

속에서 또 전율을 느껴 감전되었어 우리는.

더 깊게 눈감고 침대에 누워 영혼과 육체는 분리되고

꿈속의 너는 벙어리가 되어 사라져 나를 녹여

분쇄된 너와 나는 하나가 되어 네 머리칼은 내 얼굴을 감싸와

찌르다 못해 파고들어와 날카롭게 베어 상처가 나

피가 흐르는 것같아. 생채기가 가득해 괴물이 된 것 같아

성형을 해. 가질 수 없는 것에 분노를 품어 앙심에

살인을 해 합리화하곤 뒤 돌아 집으로 돌아가

누워서 잠을 청해 근데 일어나지를 않아 짜증이 나

카인과 아벨처럼 아둥바둥 할퀴고 싶어 안달이 나

책을 덮고 일어서 너와 내 사진을 벽에 걸어 못은 부실해

떨어져 산산조각 나기를. 제발 좀 꺼져버리길 빌어

촛불은 나가고 나는 깜깜한 밤을 느껴 온몸으로

얼굴을 못봐 그 사진도 못봐 너도 못봐.

사랑스러운 밤이야

잔인한 냄새가 나는. 치가 떨리는 즐거움에 비친



시체. 실체


Cuz of school life

yeh I haven't been blogging for
More than a week??

I was so tired because of school
and because our school friken
encourages what they call 'hi tech'
what. using the stupid laptop for
every lesson?? I hate it so much!!

I used to love computer
like I was a complete addict
but now thanks to QAHS it
totally put me offf

With 6 hrs of intense computer everyday
Is like .. hell on earth!! I feel so radiated
and like .. it sucks
and i've been trying to be a bit productive
Nowdays but it really is fragile :-((

School is okay
like usual. but not too hard core so that's
a relief

but.. kind of sadly my depression revisited me
like usual. it always comes and goes
leaves me with the dread of unconsciousness

and i want to just


i was thinking about this depression thing
since when did i start getting depressed?
...like when a was a junior

and thats why people say i always look too old
because i think of stupid things like the world
the philosophy.

i lost my innocence
i shouldve kept my childish thoughts

thanks to my depression
im already a grown up.
- like any other adults.

too mature.