2009/11/30

cuz of...hi i'm back

i havent been blogging for ages and i dont know where to start like daul died as everybody know....and i was sooooo heart broken cos like she was my inspiration for like the past 2 years? and it's so hard cos like i never thought she would do that...well she kinda said that she was depressed and felt like unaccepted all the time but then it was a real shock when she actually decided to give in. i felt horrible for what she has done... i was so drawn to her because we share a lot of things in common.....

I feel alienated all the time i can't share my feelings with others cos i'm foreign everywhere and i'm korean but the korean culture's like uneasy to me. i suffered hugely from depression last year, i questioned my identity and like i wanted to kill myself because i felt hollow inside. i wanted to get away from the reality because i didnt want to give in to the thoughts of all the 'not possible' attitude but then i kinda did at the end cos my dad brainwashed me...

recently i was in the rove to become all good and then depression stroke me again and i'm acting if i'm a emo wannabe and i know i'm not old enough to comment on 'life' but it really sucks. why can't i be who i am and why does people see me differently? why is being true to oneself so hard.... why am i always prejudged and misunderstood...

my parents are like 'you're growing, that's what it is' and i guess it's true...maybe this is what all teenagers go through...conflicts and self destructive mode...and i'm just a part of this typical teenage girls thing. but when i see my friends (i call them friends cos they volunteer to sit with me but i don't know if theyre really my friends) theyre like all happy and i feel gay stuck in between all cynical and down. people like savage me cos im depressed all the time but like this is what i am and i cant change who i am can i? and i hate happy people too. i dont know exactly why but i think i hate them cos theyre like all positive and like i kinda know the end of that already

well now it's summer holidays and i'm like doing this thing called wake up eat read sleep routine and i'm like depressed and i want to escape from this boredom futility.......i need to find something interesting desperately. but then everyone's in korea and i'm jealous and i'm angry because Australia sucks. I've been trying to find something interesting and good for my whole life anyway so it seems pretty pointless going I'm going to find something cool cos i epic failed for the past years

tell me what i gotta do.............

1 comment:

leschatserrants said...

As an avid reader of iliketoforkmyself since Daul's death, i've discovered your blog and like what you write.
Not being to enjoy your life, finding yourself useless, being misunderstood by your parents...Even when you've found what you want to do with your life, troubles are not over yet. I mean, look at Daul, she used to have an amazing job, endless opportunities to succeed as a filmmaker or painter. But she used to have a fast life and fast lives are mean to be ended quickly. It's easier to die that to have a successful life. She has now an envious position: she's like a star, a James Dean or a Kurt Cobain's like, quite a symbol. In France we only know her because she killed herself and that's all. Someday i think "she was so stupid" and other days "what she did is what we should do".
Anyway, i'm struggling with my own problems: i know what i want to do with my life, but i'm not sure if it's the good thing.
But why not keep on writing, maybe ask professional to give you advice?
Being depressed is not fun at all, but things will go better once school will be over and one day you'll wonder if you've really lived these days.