shadow

you shattered in to pieces
and i picked the particles

then it brought me back to you

.

and i think about it,

it was always you. it just had to be

cuz of ..work...hard

yup so I'm employed at fasta pasta @ harbour town as a wait person now
and like........damn it's hardcore.

I only served complimentary breads, little side dishes but I'm like already dead and I'm not looking forward to go back there. But I'll have to on friday....I have no choice cuz nobody else wants me.

So I did a bit of cleaning up tables and serving, but like...why am I scared? Like the customers, when they ask me things that I don't really know how to deal with, I freeze and murmur. My manager's like........um yeah don't do that next time cos that could be a bit rude....yeah i know that.

and like people there are old. not like old old but around about 30ish? and I'm a teen. So i feel lonely and disregarded....I feel like if I'm messing everything up and it feels bad. I feel so little cos i have to wear this old uniform that my manager used to wear and its XXL. I also have to put the apron on but its like so old -_- and long................

i still don't know how much i'm getting paid and it feels like its going to be around $9......so i ONLY got what 27 bucks today. and i feel exhausted. great.

cuz I'm having an interview soon!

yeah~ that's right I'm having a job interview in like 5 minutes! I'm kinda scared cos I have never been in an interview before!
I hope I do well cos if I don't I'll be a loser at home. I desperately need to work! I need to earn money for myself! <33 if I get the job I'll be so happy that I would go crazy!! Haha wish me luck needmoreroom.com!

cuz of......i want to be employed!!!!

I want to work desperately... I want to earn money and save up so I could like use it in aiding for my future journey to europe <33333 but i've been getting reject mails n.n
why am i like this..... other girls in my school get employed straight away after applying for it and i'm like.......a loser...........

i literally tried everywhere from like fast food chains to like book store....bakery....etc but theyre always like... "soz"

울고 싶어라~

cuz of i was soooooooo sick yesterday

so i was super sick yesterday like i was crying because i was really sick. i think it was a summer flu some sort of thing and i even wanted to do drugs cos i couldnt bare with the pain.
my limbs felt like as if it was ripping slowly from inside out and i literally wanted to chop it off..

my mum was like oh god you're boiling and she was amazed cos i was never sick like this before... i was shivering cos it was really cold but my mum kept on wiping me with a cold towel to drop my temperature....

and today i'm kinda feeling better and i think i'm already alright but my legs are starting to hurt again and i wonder if i'll be able to walk properly....

i dont like this at all...........i hate being sick......i hate being retarded

cuz of...hi i'm back

i havent been blogging for ages and i dont know where to start like daul died as everybody know....and i was sooooo heart broken cos like she was my inspiration for like the past 2 years? and it's so hard cos like i never thought she would do that...well she kinda said that she was depressed and felt like unaccepted all the time but then it was a real shock when she actually decided to give in. i felt horrible for what she has done... i was so drawn to her because we share a lot of things in common.....

I feel alienated all the time i can't share my feelings with others cos i'm foreign everywhere and i'm korean but the korean culture's like uneasy to me. i suffered hugely from depression last year, i questioned my identity and like i wanted to kill myself because i felt hollow inside. i wanted to get away from the reality because i didnt want to give in to the thoughts of all the 'not possible' attitude but then i kinda did at the end cos my dad brainwashed me...

recently i was in the rove to become all good and then depression stroke me again and i'm acting if i'm a emo wannabe and i know i'm not old enough to comment on 'life' but it really sucks. why can't i be who i am and why does people see me differently? why is being true to oneself so hard.... why am i always prejudged and misunderstood...

my parents are like 'you're growing, that's what it is' and i guess it's true...maybe this is what all teenagers go through...conflicts and self destructive mode...and i'm just a part of this typical teenage girls thing. but when i see my friends (i call them friends cos they volunteer to sit with me but i don't know if theyre really my friends) theyre like all happy and i feel gay stuck in between all cynical and down. people like savage me cos im depressed all the time but like this is what i am and i cant change who i am can i? and i hate happy people too. i dont know exactly why but i think i hate them cos theyre like all positive and like i kinda know the end of that already

well now it's summer holidays and i'm like doing this thing called wake up eat read sleep routine and i'm like depressed and i want to escape from this boredom futility.......i need to find something interesting desperately. but then everyone's in korea and i'm jealous and i'm angry because Australia sucks. I've been trying to find something interesting and good for my whole life anyway so it seems pretty pointless going I'm going to find something cool cos i epic failed for the past years

tell me what i gotta do.............

cuz I'm bak with some serious attitude

alrighty, so I've been away for quite a while
it's because I've either been too busy with IB,
or I've just let things go...

But now I'm baaaaack! ; )
it's holidays right now so I can do whateva
I feel like doing

okay these days I'm hugely into reading
watching movies and a guy called wooyoung of 2pm
i'm trying to suppress my obssession? for him
but he is really adorable and cute.

I'm going to blame it all on my sister because
she infected me by going 'omg 2pm I love them'
when I had no clue who they were. Apparently they are
huge in Korea and even people that are like booktards
and nerds are in to them...most of their fans are pretty much
businessmen (and YES they have A LOT of male fans!)
and aunty-aged :$

it's so sad how jay left though, I mean he was a bit rude
to be honest, but it wasn't THAT inappropriate
...like I use a lot of 'gay' in my life because it's just like
saying I feel uneasy?? then it got translated into a rather
'sick as homosexual'...how is he meaning 'i want to throw up
it's yuck'??? This is why I hate Koreans
they make assumptions and get totally obsessed with
the whole patriotism? while it's actually lacking self-confidence

I like Korea, but at the same time I don't like Korea
because it's full of assumptions, prejudgement, competition
and the crazy 자격지심 to japan or America
I too dislike Japan and America because they used to
bully us and totally crushed us but it's a history so we must
move on to what is like now, while aknowledging the past.

I guess no matter what, if you were raised in Korea
you'll be totally biased towards Japan.
And I am too.

Sumimasen